I started this Substack just over a year ago in February 2023, as a creative outlet during my struggle to conceive (read about that here Year 1, Year 2 and Year 3). Little did I know, I would fall pregnant after a successful IVF transfer just four months later. I didn’t want to stop writing but I also didn’t feel like rooting around in the past much longer, by continuing to share about the hardship.
Instead I documented a few insights into pregnancy after loss but on the whole knew that, I wouldn’t want my writing on Substack to only focus on my past fertility journey and/or my new experience of motherhood.
Now four months postpartum I’m wondering what that means? What do I want this corner of the internet to become? Because now, more than ever I need to write and share. In short, I’m getting creatively cranky and channeling energy into this page is much healthier for me than my current scrolling/tv binge set up whilst I breastfeed and contact nap.
So I’m not sure where this might go but possibly you’ll want to stick around and find out?
My brain is equal parts inspirational fireworks and forgettable sludge. I’m most definitely in “The Bardo” the in-between, which is the whole theme right?!
I think the first place I’ll visit is my writing roots — poetry.
I’ve found myself returning to it now as the luxury of reading prose is pretty much non-existent. I’ve tried listening to audiobooks but I can only listen to non-fiction. There’s something about fiction that belongs on the page for me. I’m too sensitive to a narrator’s interpretation of a character or scene — basically I get the ‘ick’ with audiobook fiction, it’s very strange.
So poetry is just perfect for right now. I can dip in and out, read a complete poem in less than a minute and still feel the benefits of having entered another world, gained food for thought or just pure appreciation of the poet’s skill.
I’m currently on the hunt for a reading for my wedding next year. It’s had me completely re-inspired and I’ve even managed to write two new pieces as a result — which has felt so good for a somewhat overwhelmed nervous system.
Writing relaxes me. It’s how I process and now as I adjust to my new normal, I’m beginning to see connections again. As summer begrudgingly blooms in the UK, it feels that I too am emerging from a hibernation.
In writing related news, my poem ‘The Onsen’ was recently published within The Wee Sparrow Poetry Press anthology ‘Ourselves in Rivers and Oceans’— and I am due to be published again in their next anthology. It’s been a boost to my confidence to be selected which has reaffirmed that I do want to write, and see where increased dedication to that takes me.
I’ll leave you with a poem I discovered recently by Todd Dillard.
Todd’s imagery is spot on and I love the interplay between airy freedom and oppressive entrapment.
It also reminds me of the time I was in my early thirties and had just moved into a house share in south London after the end of my long-term relationship. I remember my surprise when I noticed the parakeet population of London — which I knew nothing of before. It was a strange time personally, which was only heightened by the oddness of a tropical bird swooping between the Victorian terraced back gardens of Brixton. There may even be a poem in that memory, maybe something to work on when I’m on the sofa, babe in arms.
Jade x
Also in same situation here (and after ivf too). I’m reading this whilst BF! Creativity and matresence is something to ponder. The thrust of my Substack may evolve. I have Lucy Jones’ book on my table right now as well 🙏 Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this - it’s helpful to know how others are navigating 💕
My work is about to enter a new season as well and I’m mulling some of the same questions. Finding ways to tend to one’s interior life during times when we are also tending another being or community more intensely is an ongoing theme for me. I know many other writers who have felt disoriented during the matrescence process in terms of how to preserve their creative practice. It does get better. (And it’s also totally OK to binge-watch TV while you BF in the meantime, imho.) I have found being able to send and receive voice memos with other parents while walking or washing up, then transcribing them, has been a lovely way to preserve both creativity and connection during this time. Wishing you luck as you feel your way to what works for you.