A New Bardo
The transfer of our only embryo was successful.
I am pregnant.
Three words I thought I may never say again. Three words I had no real belief would be said after transferring our only (average quality) embryo into my (below average) uterine lining with my (above average) killer cells hopefully being controlled.
There was a lot of doubt and I was, if I’m truly honest, just treating the transfer as a learning point for future attempts with donor conceived embryos.
We had met with the donor team.
I had surrendered to the acceptance of losing my genetics. I knew it was unlikely that the transfer would work so I had prepared for that outcome.
What I wasn’t prepared for was for everything I’d ever wanted to actually happen and keep happening. With my history of missed miscarriage (both of my previous pregnancies were over by 7 weeks of development) now a month later just shy of my usual danger zone we saw the teeny tiny heartbeat for the first time. I’m almost the most pregnant I’ve ever been and I’m starting to allow myself to believe I will bring this baby home.
It has been strange as someone who can easily write and share their conception journey when it’s not going well, to be confronted with writer’s block in sharing the good. I am sensitive to the fact many people reading my work do so because they relate from their own place of struggle. And believe me, I have hated the ‘miracle happy endings’ that just seem to neatly tie up the ribbon of infertility trauma into the bow of ‘but look at me never give up!’.
I don’t subscribe to that blanket dismissal of the hard parts so I will continue to share the realities of navigating the in-between of this, my new Bardo — experiencing a pregnancy after loss.
Because a positive result, a scan or symptoms increasing don’t just magically remove the facts of the past; or completely rewire the parts of my brain that will always remember the sensation of the rug being pulled from under my feet.
Right now, the rug is in place and my toes are beginning to enjoy the soft, deep pile. I’m finding more moments of calm, comfort and knowing.
Right now, I am pregnant.
Right now, I choose to enjoy this.
Jade x
Wow Jade, congratulations! What a miracle. It seems like the surrender, acceptance, and release of expectations is what often allows people’s bodies to do their thing and conceive without all the stress. As annoying as those stories are for those of us who are in the throes of pushing and forcing and controlling the process, it does seem to be a trend. And it kind of makes sense.
I’m just about at that point myself, where I’m stopping treatment and stopping all the supplements and teas and acupuncture and blood work because the stress has taken such a toll on me that I now have ulcers. Like, that’s not good. That’s not a body that wants to have a baby. I’m letting go and accepting my fate, and taking a break to restore myself before I decide what’s next (which may involve egg donation or adoption, both of which are processes I’ve already initiated).
But there’s a little part of me that wouldn’t be surprised if it finally happens once I stop trying; once I’m no longer obsessing about every phase of my cycle and how soon my period is due and whether I ate the right hormone-balancing breakfast. I’m planning a big road trip this summer/fall, and it wouldn’t surprise me at all if I found myself pregnant on the eve of my departure (because I finally let myself relax and get excited about something else), and of course that would be a miracle. But if not, I’ll finally get to enjoy my belated honeymoon in Alaska!
I’m thinking of you and sending all the good vibes, and I do hope you’re able to enjoy every moment of this pregnancy. You deserve it. ❤️
I read this yesterday, Jade, but I wanted to come back and say how much I’m wishing you well, wishing you peace. I was awake around midnight last night and found myself thinking about your essay. I don’t know that I pray much these days, but found myself unable to sleep and wanting to send whatever goodness I could over to you.