Wow. A very frank account of the lasting fallout of infertility. A life forever changed....
It seems like society is waiting for you soon to forget and to get over this - Via having a baby or ... a lobotomy ?!
I hear that there is no going back on this; no burying or covering....it’s cemented in your story forever - Baby or no baby. The depths of infertility grief seem twisted and endless...
Totally agree about the society comment. I found so many people telling me to not give up hope as I awaited the loss of a much wanted child (missed miscarriage). It felt so utterly tone deaf. I wanted THIS child. I was still carrying THIS child. But I was repeatedly told to look to the future and the definite baby they just knew I'd have (like that would be some balm to everything). Instead of helping it just made me angry and like they didn't understand...or wanted to understand. It was far 'nicer' to talk about hope, than to give space to my actual feelings.
Nicer for them not the person on the receiving end 😞 - our culture is so frighteningly grief illiterate and pregnancy loss is compounded in this by being disenfranchised and therefore utterly misunderstood. Would we tell the person with a terminal diagnosis that they will definitely live X amount or survive in our opinion? Why people think it’s ok in pregnancy, baby loss and infertility I will never know 🫂 to you Claire xxx
This is a really good analogy, Jade. It’s so frustrating that the grief of pregnancy loss is not acknowledged in the same ways as other types of grief. And as Clare said, babies, like any people, are not interchangeable, even if it were that easy to just have another one (which for many of us, it’s not). And regardless of the outcome, as you said, the grief does not magically go away. It becomes a part of who we are, and forever changes us.
After four miscarriages (including a traumatic missed miscarriage last year), I feel this, Claire. The toxic positivity does not leave space for our grief and pain. It seems like the only people who really get it are those of us who’ve been there. I’m so sorry you’ve been there, too. ❤️
I connected so much to the continuous sacrifices made in the infertility journey in the hope you'll win the lottery, but in the end you don't know what your odds are and the will to continue is only driven by a deep desire.
Wow. A very frank account of the lasting fallout of infertility. A life forever changed....
It seems like society is waiting for you soon to forget and to get over this - Via having a baby or ... a lobotomy ?!
I hear that there is no going back on this; no burying or covering....it’s cemented in your story forever - Baby or no baby. The depths of infertility grief seem twisted and endless...
Lobotomy indeed - Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind sign me up and take away my desire for children whilst you’re at it
Totally agree about the society comment. I found so many people telling me to not give up hope as I awaited the loss of a much wanted child (missed miscarriage). It felt so utterly tone deaf. I wanted THIS child. I was still carrying THIS child. But I was repeatedly told to look to the future and the definite baby they just knew I'd have (like that would be some balm to everything). Instead of helping it just made me angry and like they didn't understand...or wanted to understand. It was far 'nicer' to talk about hope, than to give space to my actual feelings.
Nicer for them not the person on the receiving end 😞 - our culture is so frighteningly grief illiterate and pregnancy loss is compounded in this by being disenfranchised and therefore utterly misunderstood. Would we tell the person with a terminal diagnosis that they will definitely live X amount or survive in our opinion? Why people think it’s ok in pregnancy, baby loss and infertility I will never know 🫂 to you Claire xxx
This is a really good analogy, Jade. It’s so frustrating that the grief of pregnancy loss is not acknowledged in the same ways as other types of grief. And as Clare said, babies, like any people, are not interchangeable, even if it were that easy to just have another one (which for many of us, it’s not). And regardless of the outcome, as you said, the grief does not magically go away. It becomes a part of who we are, and forever changes us.
After four miscarriages (including a traumatic missed miscarriage last year), I feel this, Claire. The toxic positivity does not leave space for our grief and pain. It seems like the only people who really get it are those of us who’ve been there. I’m so sorry you’ve been there, too. ❤️
Someone please sign me up for the lobotomy! After three years of infertility and four miscarriages, it sounds like the best option moving forward.
I connected so much to the continuous sacrifices made in the infertility journey in the hope you'll win the lottery, but in the end you don't know what your odds are and the will to continue is only driven by a deep desire.
Maybe we could connect over writing, here is my latest about starting the IVF journey, https://open.substack.com/pub/sheilaiswriting/p/clasping-my-partners-hand-like-an?r=2uqaml&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
xx